A early peek at a freak show

Somebody please pinch us and tell us to wake up, that we're just having a bad dream.

Dallas movie 'guns for Travolta'

John Travolta and Jennifer Lopez have reportedly been offered the two lead roles in a movie remake of the 1980s television series Dallas.

Travolta, the star of Pulp Fiction, has been asked to play the show's villain, JR Ewing, according to Variety.

The industry newspaper also says singer and actress Lopez is being sought for the character of Sue Ellen.

Please! Stop. The. Madness. Before someone really gets hurt.

John Travolta isn't even fit to spit polish J.R.'s boots (and aside from his Scientology goofiness, we actually like John Travolta ... for some things).

J-Lo as Sue Ellen? Puh-leeze!

But as we read the BBC report, the news got worse. Luke Wilson is being propositioned for Bobby Ewing, and, travesty upon travesty, Shirley MacLaine is being wooed as Miss Ellie Ewing.

The only sentence in the whole report that gives us any hope at all is that it is reported that none of the actors mentioned have accepted.

How about Matthew McConaughey as J.R.? Or Bobby? For crying out loud, at least he's a real Texan. Billy Bob Thornton as Ray Krebs, perhaps? Dana Delaney could do a good Pamela Barnes Ewing. Richard Gere has possibilities as a J.R. We'd even accept Catherine Zeta-Jones as Sue Ellen if she can fake an accent, but we'd rather see the producers go on a talent search, maybe cast unknowns in the parts in the search of the right combination.

There have been precious few remakes that have done well in recent years. Most of the time mediocre is a compliment. For those of us who lived and breathed "Dallas" during its heyday, anything less than a perfect effort is an absolute disaster.

No more "Bewitched!" mockeries. For the love of all that's human, do Dallas right!