Sign of the Apocalypse confirmation

Yes, it is true.

"Dallas" is going to become a movie.

With a British female director originally from India. That's the good news.

The bad news: John Travolta the Scientologist will play J.R. Ewing (an apostosy). Shirley MacLaine as Miss Ellie (a travesty).

Close to signing on are Jennifer Lopez (sadly not the Weather Channel babe, but the other J-Lo) as Sue Ellen and Luke Wilson as Bobby Ewing. Wilson is the only casting decision thus far that even remotely makes sense.

Gurinder Chadha, director of "Bend it like Beckham," gives us valuable insight into her vision of "Dallas" when she tells the BBC:

The British director said the film, set for release in 2007, would be "very true to the original series."

"But it's set today and all the characters are much more extreme versions of how we remember them."

If you feel a good vomit coming up, you are not alone. If you need to help in hurling, here are a couple of Chadha's directorial credits: "Bhaji on the Beach" and "Bride and Prejudice." Ah, that's better. Glad to be of help.

If you, like the Oklahomilist, could care no less for things like British "football" then you probably need to be told that "Beckham" as in "Bend it like ..." is a big English soccer star who married one of the assorted Spice Girls. For the Record we have never seen "Bend ..." and have sworn a perpetually binding oath to shield our eyes from the perversion of cinematic soccer.

J.R. Ewing, as played by Larry Hagman, was the twisted evil genius Texan who probably inspired the career of a young Karl Rove. One thing J.R. would not do, however, was ride a horse if he could drive a luxury car with air, and he would never, not even to save his daddy's precious oil company, get on the mechanical bull at Billy Bob's.

Yet we are supposed to believe that John "I Love U Sissy" Travolta, the bull ridin' champion of "Urban Cowboy," is J.R.?

We can only pray that there is a Rapture and we are taken away before this thing opens.