The Federal Grizzly, Capt. Ben & the Bernacke Maneuver

It has already begun, and now it escalates.

Just as there is nothing subtle about the paw of a grizzly bear as it feels around the underside of your tent, so the paw of federal "oversight" into the tent of the free enterprise system. The grizzly may only be wanting to see if there are any cookies hidden under your backpack; he probably doesn't mean to hurt you. Yet the claws are sharp and he is not adapted to skillful maneuvering in this alien environment. The federal bureaucrat may not be aiming at you, the once happy camper who has hidden his retirement cookies in the backpack of an IRA or 401(k) plan, but their regulatory claws are sharp and they are not adapted to skillful maneuvering in this alien environment of the private sector.

First came the bailouts under the Bush administration, the suspension of free market principles in order to "save" the free market system. (This under a nominally pro-capitalist president).

Then came the stimulus bill, the Porkulus, that stimulates government spending with nearly $800 billion that this nation does not have to spend. Then within days came Son of Porkulus, the Omnibus Appropriations bill 8 percent larger than last year's bloated budget-buster, filled with 8,500 "earmarks," totalling over $405 billion. Both of these under an administration, working with a very liberal Congress, that is not a friend of the free market system, since it has done nothing but call for tighter and tighter regulations of said markets.

This week something wicked this way came, but few noticed because all the attention was instead directed to the "shocking" bonuses given management employees at AIG, an American-based insurer that got trapped in the downward spiral of mortgage-backed securities gone sour. (The company also insured many other firms that were trapped in the same derivatives bubble.)

"Look at those evil, greedy, rich bastards of AIG!" shouted members of Congress, and even the President himself, perhaps in words not quite so blunt but the meaning was crystal clear. We, the American people, should direct our anger at the trillions spent on bailouts, and stimuli, at a couple of hundred men and women who work for one firm. These evil people, who dared collect on the bonuses promised them over a year ago in their employment compensation packages for work done in 2008, represent all that is wrong with America! How dare they? Where is their shame? What are their names, and where do they live? Give us the pictures of their spouses and their children so we can threaten to turn loose the ravening hordes of outraged countrymen ...

... unless, of course, they want to play nice, do their patriotic duty, and give back the money.

Or better yet, let's pass a law and tax those bonuses back into the federal treasury. How much? How about 90 percent; we'll leave a little something for state and local governments to tax. After all, isn't that the proper place for wealth in America, back in the hands of politicians and bureaucrats where it can be spent for the greater good of all? ("I'd tax them 1,000 percent if I could," one congresswoman bravely declared in front of the cameras. Damn right, that'll show those ingrates who's boss!) Hurry, there is no time to waste! We must pass this tax legislation immediately so that the IRS can get out those notices in time to claim the money in April 2010.

All our eyes and ears were focused on our brave, patriotic elected officials working hard to protect the American people from avarice in the private sector. Only when the Obamessiah misspoke on the challenged nature of his bowling skills did we remember that there were other important issues to consider. And our March Madness brackets to fill in, of course.

So hardly anyone noticed that on Wednesday the Federal Reserve announced that it was beginning a new round of purchasing mortgage-backed securities and United States Treasury bills to the tune of $1.15 trillion. The initial purchase of T-bills is in the $300 billion range. Where is the money coming from?

Thin air.

Terence Corcoran at Canada's National Post, was not distracted:

Mr. Bernanke is sometimes known as “Helicopter Ben” because he once in an academic paper referred to the use of “helicopters” full of money to rescue an economy from deflation. In comments Wednesday to explain the Fed’s new policy of buying $300-billion in U.S. treasury bills, Mr. Bernanke noted that the Fed is now more worried about inflation being too low than about it getting too high in the future.

For the rest of the world, however, the worry is that America is at risk of becoming the fountainhead of a new inflationary outburst. The U.S. dollar is now in decline, gold is moving sharply higher, and new global currency turmoil is on the horizon.

It may not happen. A paper just published by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis, ... says that the Fed will have to be prepared to absorb all the excess money it has poured into the U.S. economy. It will be a technical and political challenge unlike any central bank has ever undertaken. The future of America is at stake.

Perhaps it takes someone outside the tent to see that the grizzly bear is about to do serious damage to those inside the tent. Mr. Corcoran's article, by the way, is entitled, "Is this the End of America?"

America is in grave danger. The Fed is attempting a maneuver never before tried at this stage of a financial downturn. It requires precision timing the likes of which only a competent crew on a Federation Starship can usually pull off, since it is based on a theory that you can stop an oncoming Depression with hyper-inflation, then squelch hyper-inflation by pulling back all the excess money you "created" and put into the system.

There is a technical term for such a maneuver: It is freakin' insane!

But we're committed to it. Captain Ben and his Starship Fed crew, with or without consulting those of us who are back in the tent in the woods, are already in warp drive and engaging "the enemy."

Meanwhile, according to Drudge (quoting sources in the New York Times newsroom), says Mr. Obama is about to declare a new financial regulation policy that will call for "increased oversight" of executive pay at "all banks", Wall Street firms and "other companies." Oh, goody! The grizzly is now looking for some bacon, too.

So we have to hope for two wildly optimistic outcomes now. First, that Capt. Ben successful executes the "Bernacke Maneuver" and our currency doesn't collapse like a second-hand Ferengi warp coil, and that Mr. Obama's grizzly bear is satisfied with a little bit of Wall Street bacon and doesn't come on in to the tent for the rest of our goodies, which we should've hidden in secret Swiss bank accounts years ago, but who knew?

Who knew that the American people would have dumped a bunch of cretinous, hypocritical Republicans out of Congresss two years ago for spending like drunken sailors, only to replace them with cretinous, hypocritical Democrats who have taught us that drunken sailors are pretty frugal after all?

And who'd a thunk that we'd go all "hopey/changey" and elect a man of mystery who has no legislative accomplishments, no business experience, and virtually zero abilities to think on his feet without a teleprompter keeping him from putting those same feet into his mouth, and who, for all we know, might have been born in Kenya instead of Hawaii, and might be a citizen of Indonesia; a man who was befriended by Marxists and black liberationists, and the "community organizers" of Chicago. A man who promised during his campaign to give us socialized health care, higher taxes on all types of energy, and "spread the wealth" tax policies.

When a grizzly bear is attacking my tent, I want more than a cellphone call or a text message to my congressman. I want to know that someone is nearby with a tranquillizer gun, a bullhorn, and a big bucket of raw meat with which to lure the beast away.

I don't think Mr. Obama is that guy.

I think he enjoys watching the bear.